In ten days I get to become the wife of this amazing man. I’ve been wanting to write and write and somehow “process” what is going on here– but I keep coming back to the fact that I think marriage is slightly insane. Amazing, I think, but insane. I don’t know how to “process” or make sense of the fact that I will have a new last name in ten days. That I will be his and he will be mine (Song 2:16). That he will be to me as Christ is to the Church (Eph 5:25), that where he will go, I go, where he dwells, I will dwell (Ruth 1:16-17). That we will be flesh of flesh and bone of bones, that we will leave our mothers and fathers and cleave to one another (Gen. 2:22-25). Marriage is kind of crazy.
Some people have asked me if I’m “sure” I’m “doing the right thing.” Or if John and I have a peace about all of this. The very idea of ethical certainty is, to my thinking, questionable. But that is a different can of worms.
And I wonder if the Israelites were “at peace” when they left Egypt carrying their babies and some loaves of bread on their backs. Or when Abram left Ur to follow this strange God who did not tell him where he was going, only that he must go. Did he have a real peace about that? We are called to press forward through the dark wilderness– and we don’t trust ourselves or the wildnerness. We trust the One who called us there, the one who gives us manna and the pillar of fire by night. We are called to trust in the midst of doubt, to let Him be certain where certainty is not possible for us.
All of this having been said– I am ecstatic that I get to marry John and that in ten days I will be his wife. He is amazing. But I am also terrified, a little, and I think that’s ok.