(painted by Cezanne)
(painted by Cezanne)

Last night I had a pity party for myself because John was out working on his boat & I was alone washing dishes. We don’t have a garbage disposal or a dishwasher– which, if you have don’t seem like that big of a deal, but if you don’t have you realize very quickly why they were invented. I am exhausted from trying to create an after school program at this little Catholic school, trying to figure out how to feed us decently for $75 a week. I just realized that that’s $10 a day for 2 people…. Doable, yes. Downright lap of luxury if you look at the scope of people in the world. But still, for a girl who has a weakness for some good aged gruyere….. Just maintaining this tiny household seemed like such a burden last night. Did I pause to think that the dishes I was washing were exquisite– Crate and Barrel plates and silverware, All-Clad pans? NO. Did I gaze out the window onto the Newport River, thankful for my view? NO. (Well, it was dark I guess.) Did I give thanks for the fact that I have a perfect little job & have a husband who provides me with health insurance and so many other things? Or a father who is still paying for my car insurance right now? NO. No, I just started crying the hot and bitter tears of self-pity.

Maybe, at the heart of it, I was just lonely, and those other things felt more a burden. Maybe it’s been a hard past few months & having a new last name, moving to a strange new place, having a new church, new job, new home, new family are all taking a toll a little? But ultimately it is my selfishness underneath it all. I am still holding firmly to this notion that I am supposed to be living a fairy tale of some kind, that I am somehow exempt from the blessings and curses of hard work and lots of it, that I am somehow above scrubbing toilets and scraping bits of damp food from the drain-catcher thing into the trash. I am forgetting that it is in those most humbling moments I am perhaps the most with my Lord. We are called to suffer with him, to die with him, to follow him into obscurity, poverty (2 Cor 8 I think? not getting up for my Bible right now), and trouble. To wash the dirtiest of grime for others (Jn 13).

I was reading my sister-in-law’s blog last night, and she mentioned this girl’s blog. I’ve been reading it this morning, and oh my word. She left college to basically start an orphanage in Uganda. She takes care of children. She is only 20 years old. Anyway, it is definitely worth a read.


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