I finally heard from DSS yesterday. They found a place for the girls with some relatives who live about an hour away. I took Little Girl there yesterday to visit them and to see her sister (who is already there). They have a pretty house on a quiet street with neatly mowed lawns. They have dogs and cats which will keep Little Girl endlessly entertained. The family seems really wonderful. I didn’t expect to feel good about letting Little Girl go someplace else, but I truly think it’s going to be a good place for her. Of course as soon as I saw her big sister, with her big solemn eyes, my heart fell for her, too, and I wanted to take her home with me right then and there.
My mom had sent a box with some clothes and a baby doll for Little Girl, but she didn’t take to the doll (kept biting its head and throwing it to the ground) so I gave the doll to her sister yesterday, and she instantly cradled the doll and didn’t let it out of her arms the whole time we were there.
So anyway, last night was my last night of putting the pink pajamas with monkeys on her and putting her sleepy self into the crib (well, it’s a pack & play). Last night of checking on her before going to bed and seeing her all squinched up in some cute position.
I’ve packed up all her things, we visited with some other relatives in the park this morning, and then I rode with the case worker and Little Girl to her new home. When we left, I kissed her goodbye and told her I loved her, but she didn’t seem to notice that I was leaving, which was hard. She’s already lived in 4 or 5 homes that I know of, so I think she has already developed some pretty thick skin when it comes to trusting grown-ups. She already knows that the people who take care of you either hurt or neglect you, or send you to another home for some reason. So, so sad.
Not really sure what to do now. I ate pretty much a whole box of Annie’s Mac and Cheese and now my stomach hurts and I need to find a place for her booster seat and some other things and I just don’t know where to start or what to do.
Right now I have to trust what I believe to be true, that Jesus, in dying on the cross, descended into the depths of human suffering and misery and took all of it into himself and reigns over it and is present in the midst of it and is going to fix it all One Day. But also right now, I am only believing that in the thinnest, hanging on by a thread kind of way, and it doesn’t seem real or true. On the drive home, while I tried not to sob like a baby in front of the case worker, I kept scanning the rolling hills and looking up at the blue horizon, hoping for some sign that maybe God would peel open the sky, send an army of angels or something, and start to fix this broken world, right now. I didn’t see anything, no blazes of light or glory, and I didn’t feel any ounce of comfort or even hope, but that doesn’t mean that the Holy Ghost wasn’t brooding over those hills– and over the Little Girls– “with warm breast and with ah! bright wings,” as Hopkins says. Even so, come Lord Jesus.